From the beginning of my life.. ~rumi ❤️

मेरो जीवनको सुरूवात देखि नै
मैले तिम्रो अनुहार हेर्न चाहिरहेको थिएँ
तर आज मैले देखेको छु।

आज मैले देखेको छु
त्यो चमक, त्यो सौन्दर्य
त्यो अथाह अनुग्रह
यो अनुहारको
जुन मैले हेर्न चाहिरहेको थिएँ।

आज मैले तिमीलाई पाएको छु
र हिजो जो हाँसे
र मलाई अपमानित गरे
आज उनीहरु
मैले जसरी नहेरेको कारण
पछुतो मान्दै छन।

म तिम्रो जाज्वल्यमान
सौन्दर्यबाट अचम्मित छु
र तिमीलाई म सयौँ आँखाले हेर्ने
इच्छा राख्दछु।

मेरो मन भावनाको आगोले जलिरहेको थियो
र यसले अनन्तदेखि नै
यो आश्चर्यमय सुन्दरता
खोजिरहेको थियो
जुन अहिले म हेरिरहेको छु।

म यो…

I am afraid that I will never be able to love her the way she deserves it. I know that there is this aspiration in me and all this hopes for is her happiness and her well being. She is young, sensitive and fragile, still untouched by the harshness and bitterness of life. She is meant to live life of her own, explore various dimensions of this vast space and be totally free and careless. I don’t want her to get hurt and I don’t want to give impressions of cruelty and expectations. But no matter how serene your love…

जसलाई मैले माया गर्छु भनेँ

उनीहरूले भने,

“तिमी त मेरो साथी मात्रै हौ”..

खासमा म उनीहरूको साथी नै बन्न चाहन्थे

उनीहरूले मलाई साथी त भने

तर हामी साथी भने हुन सकेनौँ।

किनभने हाम्रो सम्बन्ध

माया भन्दा टाढा जान सकेन..

जब माया नै छैन भने

मित्रता हुनै सक्दैन..

मित्रता भनेको त,

अन्तिम लक्ष्य हो।


पहिला त कोही तिमीलाई मन पर्छ

तिमीलाई आफ्नो जस्तो लाग्न थाल्छ,

उसको नजिक जान मन लाग्छ,

अनि आफ्नो कुरा भन्न मन लाग्छ…

बिस्तारै एक आपसमा

आफ्ना कुराहरु साटासाट हुन्छ,

अनि दुबैको कुराहरु मिल्छ

मन मिल्छ,

अनि दुवै एउटै जस्तो हौँ

भन्ने भावना आँउछ

अनि साथी हुन्छौँ..

मेरो सहजतालाई त हेर

तिमीले मलाई वचन मात्रै के दिएका थियौ

त्यसमाथि मैले सजिलै विश्वास गरिदिएँ।

मेरो सहजतालाई त हेर।

नशामा एक परीलाई मैलै भगवान भनिदिएँ

मैले जे भनेँ, धर्ती र आकाश सबैले सुन्ने गरी भनिदिएँ।

मेरो सहजतालाई त हेर।

मेरो स्नेह र प्रेमलाई त हेर

कति सहजै मैले तिमीलाई भगवान मानिदिएँ।

सम्मान, चाहना, प्रेम र सरलतामा

तिम्रो गुनासो मैले तिमी सँग नै गरिदिएँ।

मेरो सहजतालाई त हेर।

आज म जे छु, त्यो तिमीले दिएको उपहारको स्वरूप हो

तिम्रो स्नेहमा मैले आफूलाई नै बर्बाद गरिदिएँ।

मेरो सहजतालाई त हेर।

कुरा त एक रातको लागि मात्रै थियो

तर म जीवनभर नै…

“You responded to everything I expressed”, I said.

“That was my kindness. I never texted you first.”, She replied.

“You felt sorry for me.”

“Ahh, that was merely my tenderness. That does not count as love.”

“You laughed at my memes.”

“Oops!! I laugh at whatever I find funny, don’t feel special.”

“You shared me a song, you wanted to share with everyone on the earth.”

“I did not dedicate it to you. I just wanted to share that’s it.”

“You never said how you felt.”

“Have I talked to you like more than friends, ever?”

“My friends don’t fight…

I wished for tragedy and tragedy happened. I wished for heartbreak and heartbreak happened. I wished for suffering and suffering happened. I wished for loss and loss happened. I wished for annihilation and annihilation happened. I wished for emptiness and emptiness happened. I can not blame anyone because it was all me. It was all my desire. Whatever your wish, whatever your dreams they are meant to be fulfilled. It is the nature of existence. I wished death and it happened. I loved her so much that I decided that to love her is to wish death. And she was…

Everything happened just like this.
I closed my eyes and I was revived.
I was dead, I became alive!

My heart pounded like the waves of an ocean.
And I sensed every pulse and beats of it in my veins.
I behold myself vibrating in the pattern of my own heart.
Not that I was far away somewhere watching it.
It was as if I was it.
I was resonating with myself.

My body got lighter with every breath I took.
And there was a calmness and a gentle breeze over me.
I was not quite sure of what was happening
but I…

I, usually am a shy type of person. Talking has never been my cup of tea. I generally don’t even know how to start a conversation. My presence used to be disregarded. I was a curse.

But there she was, a magic who came to my life as the light to unveil my true nature. There she dawned from heaven to rescue me of my sorrow. She let me drink from her eyes, the wine of ecstasy.

I was a thirsty wanderer in desert and she came to me as an oasis.

I had never thought this would ever happen…

If I stay or if I leave,
It does not make any difference to you,
Does it?
So why pretend?
If it’s just a one-sided friendship,
I could stay farther,
And look at you from a distance.
I made efforts,
You did not acknowledge it.
If you are not looking back,
I am just stupid to call you.
Our friendship is just conditional,
And dependent on me.
But I don’t need you,
To love you.
I could love you from a distance
And still smile like an idiot.

June 2020

I remember that time when I was not ready for a relationship but I was not strong enough to suffer the tragedy of friendship. I could not say yes and I could not say no. I did not want her to get hurt and I did not want to lose her either. I thus became speechless, this conflict had no solution except for my tears. I did not know either to let her stay or to let her run away. I simply had no words. I wanted her to do both. I could not speak that out loud either.


Shree Krishna Jamakatel

I came from void, I disappear into void.

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